Update

I have not been posting. Instead I have been working out a lot of things.

As time progresses, and I finally get that glimpse of daylight ahead, I am amazed at the work God has wrought within me.

Broken, alone, lost. That was how this journey began so long ago. Some days are better than others, some days I feel like life maybe isn’t so special, it’s not worth the pain of waking up and feeling so empty.

But God has ways of making life have meaning when you least expect it, and He has a way of giving you just what you need at the right time. 

Death felt so close to me in the winter of 2013. I didn’t want to go on anymore. Why bother? I had learned that life was pain, and that good was just an idea. Or so I thought.

It was around that time Misa came into my life. She is my cat. 

She was like me. Lost and broken. Left to die on the street. With no one to love her, no one to home her, I took her with me to stay.

Such a small thing. So totally unexpected. To the point I could not help but see Gods loving providence in this act when I looked back on it.

Sometimes a person just needs to feel that they are needed. That they have a reason to live beyond themselves but because they can give something to someone else. In taking care of this unloved broken creature, I learned that God loves all of us that are broken too. That He loves us in a way that can be difficult to understand or comprehend at times. 

Truth be told my beautiful Misa saves my life, as I couldn’t have made it through that time without her I think. My spirit was too weak, and the thought of death was too soothing.

She is a happy kitty, today. She still is somewhat anti social, a mark of previous cruelties she experienced before. 

But that’s ok. Because we were both broken, and God put us back together.

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The God of healing still lives.

This week is about one year since my wife walked out. I won’t get into the details, but suffice it to say there were things that both of us probably should have done, or said then.

For a long time after I was dead. In my soul, in my mind. I walked through life like a zombie just existing because my body refused to stop living. I think I really wanted to die in those days to tell you the truth. Anything to make the pain stop, seemingly was preferable than the shuffling through my days in a state of almost catatonia.

I would buy the same food every day. Eat like a machine. Go to work, and pretend to be alive still, but the dead husk of my soul dragged on me constantly.

In my youth, I had known Jesus, I had known God. Somehow I found a way to walk off though, forget about my relationship with Him. I didn’t turn to God when I needed Him in my marriage, and I didn’t turn to Him after. I was ashamed, I didn’t want to be one of those people that only calls on God when they need Him, but forget about Him the rest of the time.

And yet, I started to pray. Slowly, just here and there. Talking to God, but not filled with arrogance, or false pride. I came to Him broken. Destroyed beyond anything I had ever experienced before.
And as time progressed, I spoke to Him more. I opened up my heart to Him, fully exposed. And there He was waiting for me. It was as if He were saying, “Where have you been? I have been looking for you.”

The God of Creation embraced me, and slowly over time He has healed my soul. Taking the broken pieces and put them back together. You don’t realize how broken you really are until He fills you with His healing power.

A year has passed, and honestly in some ways I still hurt. With God in my life, I can get by. I can find healing from the God that still heals even today. Even if you don’t deserve it, because I asked, and let Him into my heart.

I thank you my Father, for remembering me when I was lost.

Wherever I go, God is with me.

I have been contemplating of late, several different things. What comes to the surface first is that no matter what happens in the world, no matter what the world does, my God will be with me always.

I have had so many failed relationships in my life. My marriage fell apart, family fell apart, people I considered close, ended up being lost to me. I am not blaming God for these things, as most of it can only be laid at my feet for blame.

The point is, that only God stays. Only He knows you so well, to your very soul. We often attempt to hide who we really are from other people, but from Him we cannot hide. He knows us. Sees us for who we really are, inside where we fear others will see. Because that is where we are vulnerable, weak, we are soft and crying inside from the pain we inflict on one another.

God sees all that. Everything we hide and are so afraid of, but still He stays with us, even when the dearest people we love abandon us. How powerful is that love for us that such broken people can turn to Him and find comfort?

I was so reluctant for so long to seek such comfort. I had made myself believe that my unworthiness made me unlovable even to God. I refused to believe.

Thankfully, Gods love is stronger than even the most stubborn of hearts, and only with His spirit filling me did I finally find the succor for my ragged, bleeding soul. Like soothing rain, enveloping me in His love restored me to… What? I had been so long away from Him and anything else that was good, I thought I was living on a new planet I had not seen before. Every day seemed like a miracle, every ray of sunlight bringing warmth to such a cold existence.

And that’s why I know, no matter where I go, God is with me.

Salvation is a miracle.

Life is a miracle. You can look around you at everything, and see miracles in everything. Not just the animals, plants and all that, though you have to admit that they are miracles created by a higher power that I will never understand. You have people. Filled with souls that are eternal.

Salvation is a miracle. The idea of God is a miracle. I think that word, miracle, has been overused, and some of its power is lost because we expect to see amazing things everywhere and we become accustomed to these things; but I say God is the most amazing, the most powerful miracle that I can think of.

Why should God care about you and I? Whatever did we do to deserve such care and compassion from the creator of the entire universe? I spent most of my life doing the wrong things. Sins stacked up to the tops of mountains. I still sin, on a regular basis as I am only human, and I will be a sinner as long as I live. And while my behaviors and actions change over time, and while I might not wish to actively do wrong, I still do it. The point is, that no one deserves God’s love. No one deserves his compassion.

And yet, He provided a means of salvation. An escape route to save our filthy souls from rightful damnation. Who could say otherwise? Who, if they look in their hearts and are honest, can say they do not deserve the punishment we have asked for. We are all guilty, and are not worthy to be saved, but God holds us up and doesn’t let go because His love for us is eternal and more powerful than our hatred, and greed, and the corrupted spirits that dwell in each of us, that torment our hearts with the reality that we turned our eyes and our backs from God and we should all pay the price for it. He gave us Jesus, the Messiah that can save us from our damnation by simply believing on him.

God knows us so much better than even we know ourselves, and provided a path to life for us that anyone can take, no matter how black our hearts are.

I am Drew the sinner

Hello, let me introduce myself first. I am Drew, and I am the sinner. All my life I have found sinning against God to be the easiest thing I could ever do. No effort on my part was really needed. I simply needed to be awake and to think about it. whether it was lying, hating, you name it. I never gave it a second thought.  

Now, you might be thinking, so what? We all do that, don’t we? Of course we do.

For ALL have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.

[Romans 3:23]

That’s not the point.  I am simply admitting to it that I am a sinner, and I came to the Lord as filthy as anyone. I still sin, as often as I can for the most part. Not because I want to, its not like I actually put a lot of thought into it. Its because I “AM” a sinner. I need the grace of Jesus to sustain me. Sure, as time progresses, possibly there is some behavior’s I might not partake in anymore. Possibly there are some things I won’t do, but I will never be free of it, not while alive.

I only bring this up to give a little background on where I am coming from. This blog more than anything is meant to be a chronicle of my walk with the Lord, To share what he has revealed to me, and reach out to those that might possibly need what I have to say.

I am not a theologian, I am not an “educated” Christian. I don’t follow a specific denomination or dogma except that the only way to salvation is through faith in Jesus Christ.

This is not a blog where I complain about the sin of society today and how much I hate it. Too much mud is on my soul to cast judgment towards another person. There is no judgment here. No holier than thou, no I am right, and you are wrong.

I believe more than anything that God is good, and he wants to share his goodness with us, but many refuse to see it. I believe that I am broken inside, but through Gods love he is slowly putting me back together again. Most of this blog will be about me and what God has shown me as I travel this path wherever it leads me.

I feel like I am a blind man in that I don’t know the future, I am simply putting my entire being in Gods hands and trusting him to know what is best for me, even when things get hard and I can’t understand how to get out from under this feeling of hopelessness.

I am learning though. And I am experiencing things I never thought possible before. And I realize that hope and love are more than just words, they are something inside that God has given me but I am my own worst enemy who is determined to sabotage that a lot of the time when I should just be trusting.

Yes, I often think aloud, and babble on.

Lastly, the only thing I want to share is that God’s love is for everybody, and if you want it, you can have it too. Its not just for select people that are more special than you or I. Gods love it for everyone, and he shows it to us everyday if we would but take the time to open our eyes and look for it. If you want it, don’t be afraid to accept it.