Finally an update.

It’s been over 1 year since my last post. A lot has happened, a lot has changed, but God is still revealing His plan for my life.

Early last year, I had been working through some stuff. Just trying to make sense of some things that had been bothering me. Trying to explore my relationship with God. Trying to gain some understanding. Little did I know what God would have in store for me.

In June of 2016, I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I feel blessed that a problem with my gall bladder; which led to its removal actually; set the stage up to find the cancer while it was relatively early in stage IIB, before it had progressed further.

I am still far from cancer free, I am still Stage IIb, but I am alive. I have been through much treatment. Chemo, radiation, even an attempt at what is called a Whipple procedure which unfortunately found my cancer to be nonresectible, which means it cannot at least for now be removed. 

I have watched through the last year as I have lost my livelihood, watched my body deteriorate in ways I could not imagine. I watched as I lost my independence and now live with a permanent caregiver. 

As always in these situations, we tend to always look at what we have lost. We hardly ever think of what we have gained.

Yes, gained. 

If I have learned anything from this experience, it is that God is a loving and wonderful creator. Many would be upset, possibly angry, that God would allow such a thing to happen to one of His children. Some might succumb to bitterness, maybe even hate? 

I reject all of that.

I won’t lie. There are days when I despair. I’m only human. Days when grief has overwhelmed me, when all the luster of living has seemingly faded. 

That is not my story though. I don’t blame God for anything. Throughout this entire ordeal, His blessings have been abundant. He has put a solid foundation of people around me that have taken care of me during my entire illness. When I was on the verge of being completely broke, unable to pay my rent, He provided a way to keep me in my home. He has provided me with everything I have needed as I travel along this journey.

And that’s exactly what I think of this as. While I can’t say ultimately where this journey will end, only He knows that answer, I know that I have learned more than I ever could healthy about His love, His providence, and so many more things.

In a lot of ways, He has taught me the value of family. The true value of people in our lives. So often, we take people for granted. We get used to them. We just assume they will always be there. It’s when things go very bad, and the people we care about respond in support of you, even at their own expense, that’s when you really begin to understand the depths of what is really important.

I see now that before my illness, I was too preoccupied with the wrong things. I cultivated nice items. Things that were expensive, but ultimately empty. I realized my vision was not set on God, but on making myself comfortable. I learned that it is the people in our lives. The people we care about. The people we call family, that is important. It’s not things. It’s not even comfort. My Jesus died on a cross to save the sinner known as Drew. He didn’t have comfort, He had nothing! It was the people that mattered. I learned that my love should be for God, for the people in my life to the exclusion of everything else. I’m not saying it’s bad to have nice things, I’m saying take care of who you love, and worry about the other stuff later. God does provide.

I see know that I used God as a crutch often for when I was feeling bad, but I didn’t lean on Him when things were good and I was feeling all right. I learned God is not just for Sunday, He is for everyday! What I mean is, I obviously believed. I thought I was closer to God everyday, but I realized I wasn’t! God was what I turned to when I needed to make myself feel better when I was feeling down, but where was He when I was feeling good? Did I pray thanks for His blessings? Sometimes, but I did it with a shallowness in my heart that made it meaningless. That’s the point, my mind might have been right, but my heart was in the wrong place. My heart was in the world, not on God. You can’t follow after Jesus on Sunday, then give Him lip service Monday through Saturday, you have to mean it everyday! 

Every prayer should be heartfelt, every song sung in His name should come from the deepest secret place inside you, where the real you resides. I should not have waited until my body was dying to finally have the hardest, deepest discussions with God. Those should have happened right away. He is our Heavenly Father. Why do we wait to talk with Him until it’s almost too late? How many of us only pray when we are in trouble? How many times I have experienced the very real power of the living God in my life, but I refused to see it or acknowledg it, except with a pat thank you prayer that I didn’t really mean the way I should have meant it? You learn real quickly when it seems like your life could be over how to pray, and the difference is startling. 

I learned that Gods grace is everlasting. His patience is unlike anything I can describe. That’s powerful. He has been so patient with me, as I learn a little bit at a time. As His will is revealed to me. I’ve learned to have more patience, and forgiveness for others. I’ve learned that the outward appearance of people is no marker to what they are as a person inside. So I guess in a way I have learned acceptance. I accept people. Just as they are, nothing more, nothing less. This one is harder for me to describe. It’s like when you go to church, and you see some people that maybe don’t wear the nicest clothing, and so some people in the church might look down on them because of a preconceived notion that they are not giving God their best. Most of us would not tolerate that attitude in church, but somehow we have no problem doing that elsewhere. I’ve learned that the lowliest person is just as important to God as the richest.

I think I’ve rambled on enough right now though, I hope to fill in more at a later time, for now I just pray everyone is blessed, and may God show you His will in your life! 


Wherever I go, God is with me.

I have been contemplating of late, several different things. What comes to the surface first is that no matter what happens in the world, no matter what the world does, my God will be with me always.

I have had so many failed relationships in my life. My marriage fell apart, family fell apart, people I considered close, ended up being lost to me. I am not blaming God for these things, as most of it can only be laid at my feet for blame.

The point is, that only God stays. Only He knows you so well, to your very soul. We often attempt to hide who we really are from other people, but from Him we cannot hide. He knows us. Sees us for who we really are, inside where we fear others will see. Because that is where we are vulnerable, weak, we are soft and crying inside from the pain we inflict on one another.

God sees all that. Everything we hide and are so afraid of, but still He stays with us, even when the dearest people we love abandon us. How powerful is that love for us that such broken people can turn to Him and find comfort?

I was so reluctant for so long to seek such comfort. I had made myself believe that my unworthiness made me unlovable even to God. I refused to believe.

Thankfully, Gods love is stronger than even the most stubborn of hearts, and only with His spirit filling me did I finally find the succor for my ragged, bleeding soul. Like soothing rain, enveloping me in His love restored me to… What? I had been so long away from Him and anything else that was good, I thought I was living on a new planet I had not seen before. Every day seemed like a miracle, every ray of sunlight bringing warmth to such a cold existence.

And that’s why I know, no matter where I go, God is with me.

Salvation is a miracle.

Life is a miracle. You can look around you at everything, and see miracles in everything. Not just the animals, plants and all that, though you have to admit that they are miracles created by a higher power that I will never understand. You have people. Filled with souls that are eternal.

Salvation is a miracle. The idea of God is a miracle. I think that word, miracle, has been overused, and some of its power is lost because we expect to see amazing things everywhere and we become accustomed to these things; but I say God is the most amazing, the most powerful miracle that I can think of.

Why should God care about you and I? Whatever did we do to deserve such care and compassion from the creator of the entire universe? I spent most of my life doing the wrong things. Sins stacked up to the tops of mountains. I still sin, on a regular basis as I am only human, and I will be a sinner as long as I live. And while my behaviors and actions change over time, and while I might not wish to actively do wrong, I still do it. The point is, that no one deserves God’s love. No one deserves his compassion.

And yet, He provided a means of salvation. An escape route to save our filthy souls from rightful damnation. Who could say otherwise? Who, if they look in their hearts and are honest, can say they do not deserve the punishment we have asked for. We are all guilty, and are not worthy to be saved, but God holds us up and doesn’t let go because His love for us is eternal and more powerful than our hatred, and greed, and the corrupted spirits that dwell in each of us, that torment our hearts with the reality that we turned our eyes and our backs from God and we should all pay the price for it. He gave us Jesus, the Messiah that can save us from our damnation by simply believing on him.

God knows us so much better than even we know ourselves, and provided a path to life for us that anyone can take, no matter how black our hearts are.

I am Drew the sinner

Hello, let me introduce myself first. I am Drew, and I am the sinner. All my life I have found sinning against God to be the easiest thing I could ever do. No effort on my part was really needed. I simply needed to be awake and to think about it. whether it was lying, hating, you name it. I never gave it a second thought.  

Now, you might be thinking, so what? We all do that, don’t we? Of course we do.

For ALL have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.

[Romans 3:23]

That’s not the point.  I am simply admitting to it that I am a sinner, and I came to the Lord as filthy as anyone. I still sin, as often as I can for the most part. Not because I want to, its not like I actually put a lot of thought into it. Its because I “AM” a sinner. I need the grace of Jesus to sustain me. Sure, as time progresses, possibly there is some behavior’s I might not partake in anymore. Possibly there are some things I won’t do, but I will never be free of it, not while alive.

I only bring this up to give a little background on where I am coming from. This blog more than anything is meant to be a chronicle of my walk with the Lord, To share what he has revealed to me, and reach out to those that might possibly need what I have to say.

I am not a theologian, I am not an “educated” Christian. I don’t follow a specific denomination or dogma except that the only way to salvation is through faith in Jesus Christ.

This is not a blog where I complain about the sin of society today and how much I hate it. Too much mud is on my soul to cast judgment towards another person. There is no judgment here. No holier than thou, no I am right, and you are wrong.

I believe more than anything that God is good, and he wants to share his goodness with us, but many refuse to see it. I believe that I am broken inside, but through Gods love he is slowly putting me back together again. Most of this blog will be about me and what God has shown me as I travel this path wherever it leads me.

I feel like I am a blind man in that I don’t know the future, I am simply putting my entire being in Gods hands and trusting him to know what is best for me, even when things get hard and I can’t understand how to get out from under this feeling of hopelessness.

I am learning though. And I am experiencing things I never thought possible before. And I realize that hope and love are more than just words, they are something inside that God has given me but I am my own worst enemy who is determined to sabotage that a lot of the time when I should just be trusting.

Yes, I often think aloud, and babble on.

Lastly, the only thing I want to share is that God’s love is for everybody, and if you want it, you can have it too. Its not just for select people that are more special than you or I. Gods love it for everyone, and he shows it to us everyday if we would but take the time to open our eyes and look for it. If you want it, don’t be afraid to accept it.