The God of healing still lives.

This week is about one year since my wife walked out. I won’t get into the details, but suffice it to say there were things that both of us probably should have done, or said then.

For a long time after I was dead. In my soul, in my mind. I walked through life like a zombie just existing because my body refused to stop living. I think I really wanted to die in those days to tell you the truth. Anything to make the pain stop, seemingly was preferable than the shuffling through my days in a state of almost catatonia.

I would buy the same food every day. Eat like a machine. Go to work, and pretend to be alive still, but the dead husk of my soul dragged on me constantly.

In my youth, I had known Jesus, I had known God. Somehow I found a way to walk off though, forget about my relationship with Him. I didn’t turn to God when I needed Him in my marriage, and I didn’t turn to Him after. I was ashamed, I didn’t want to be one of those people that only calls on God when they need Him, but forget about Him the rest of the time.

And yet, I started to pray. Slowly, just here and there. Talking to God, but not filled with arrogance, or false pride. I came to Him broken. Destroyed beyond anything I had ever experienced before.
And as time progressed, I spoke to Him more. I opened up my heart to Him, fully exposed. And there He was waiting for me. It was as if He were saying, “Where have you been? I have been looking for you.”

The God of Creation embraced me, and slowly over time He has healed my soul. Taking the broken pieces and put them back together. You don’t realize how broken you really are until He fills you with His healing power.

A year has passed, and honestly in some ways I still hurt. With God in my life, I can get by. I can find healing from the God that still heals even today. Even if you don’t deserve it, because I asked, and let Him into my heart.

I thank you my Father, for remembering me when I was lost.

Wherever I go, God is with me.

I have been contemplating of late, several different things. What comes to the surface first is that no matter what happens in the world, no matter what the world does, my God will be with me always.

I have had so many failed relationships in my life. My marriage fell apart, family fell apart, people I considered close, ended up being lost to me. I am not blaming God for these things, as most of it can only be laid at my feet for blame.

The point is, that only God stays. Only He knows you so well, to your very soul. We often attempt to hide who we really are from other people, but from Him we cannot hide. He knows us. Sees us for who we really are, inside where we fear others will see. Because that is where we are vulnerable, weak, we are soft and crying inside from the pain we inflict on one another.

God sees all that. Everything we hide and are so afraid of, but still He stays with us, even when the dearest people we love abandon us. How powerful is that love for us that such broken people can turn to Him and find comfort?

I was so reluctant for so long to seek such comfort. I had made myself believe that my unworthiness made me unlovable even to God. I refused to believe.

Thankfully, Gods love is stronger than even the most stubborn of hearts, and only with His spirit filling me did I finally find the succor for my ragged, bleeding soul. Like soothing rain, enveloping me in His love restored me to… What? I had been so long away from Him and anything else that was good, I thought I was living on a new planet I had not seen before. Every day seemed like a miracle, every ray of sunlight bringing warmth to such a cold existence.

And that’s why I know, no matter where I go, God is with me.